How the Chancellor Stole Christmas

Every Taxpayer liked Christmas a lot...

But the Chancellor, who lived just north of the Thames, 

Did NOT!


The Chancellor hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!

Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be that he didn’t think Brexit was right.

It could be, perhaps, that fiscal policy was not tight.

But I think that the most likely reason of all,

May have been that his Tory heart was two sizes too small.


But,

Whatever the reason, 

His heart or monetary policy,

He stood there at the despatch box, delivering his homily,

Staring down from Westminster with a sour, Grinchy frown,

At the productive members of society living in their towns.

For he knew every HMRC customer in the UK beneath,

Was busy now, trying to make ends meet.


"But they're still Christmas shopping!" he said with indignation,

"All of that spending, is fuelling inflation!”

Then he growled, with his Tory fingers nervously drumming,

"I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"


For 

Soon, he knew…

…that everyone from Zoe to Archie,

Would be spending and spending. They'd never nark it!

And then! Oh, the Markets! Oh, the Markets! Markets! Markets! Markets!

That's one thing for which he cared! The MARKETS!

MARKETS! MARKETS! MARKETS!


"Why, for nearly 18 years I've put up with it now!"

"I MUST stop this inflationary Christmas spending! 

…But HOW?"

Then he got an idea! 

An awful idea!

THE CHANCELLOR 

GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!


"I know just what to do!" he laughed from a deep, dark place

And he quickly reached for his Chancellor’s red case.

And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Hunty trick!"

"I will freeze all tax allowances, with a pen’s flourishing flick!"


"Now all I need is a reindeer..." 

Hunt looked around.

But, since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.

Did that stop the old Hunt? 

No! The Chancellor simply said,

"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"

So he called for Hancock, Matt. Then he took some red thread,

And he tied a big horn on the top of his head.


THEN 

He loaded some bags 

And some old empty sacks,

On a ramshackle sleigh 

And he hitched up old Matt.


Then he said, "Giddyup!" 

And the sleigh started down,

Toward the homes where HMRC’s customer’s 

Lay a-snooze in their town.


All town’s windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.

All Customers were dreaming sweet dreams without care.

When he came to the hospital on the square.

"This is stop number one," the old Hunty Claus hissed,

And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.


Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight stunt.

But, if Santa could do it, then so could old Hunt.

The nurses pay slips were stacked in a row.

"Pay rises," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,

Around the whole room, and he took every last cent!

And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Chancellor, very nimbly

Stuffed all the pay awards, one by one, up the chimney

A NOISE!


He turned around fast, a deflated Tory

It was little Kwasi Kwarteng stood in all of his in-glory.

The Chancellor had been caught by this tiny ex-minister,

Who’d just a few months ago fallen on Truss’ scimitar.

He stared at the Hunt and said, "why Jeremy, why,”

"Why are you taking our growth away? WHY?"


But, you know, that old Hunt was so smart and so slick,

He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!

"Why, my sweet little Kwasi," the Chancellor then lied,

"With rampant inflation there’s nowhere to hide."

"So I'm taking your Britannia Unchained for an edit."

"We can’t live our lives on the tick and on credit."


And his fib fooled the ex-exchequer. Patting his head,

He got him a drink and he sent him to bed.

And when Kwasi Kwarteng went to bed with his cup,

He went to the chimney, stuffing Truss & Kwarteng’s book up!


Then 

He did the same thing 

To another Customer's house

Adding rail workers’ pay increases to 

His malevolent bouse.


“They’ll be on the picket lines, he laughed, but that’s not rash

“They won’t be in the shopping centre, spending MY cash”

With an evil grin he said “people, don’t travel unless absolutely necessary…

“…and that should make for a Christmas less merry”


But, Oh! 

“That Lizz Truss, was she out of her puzzler?

“Of course, we Tories had no choice but to muzzle her.

“45%!? Abolish it she said!

“Not on your nelly! Over my body (dead).”


“I’ll turn down the temperature to keep things at a chill

“Then Christmas will not be quite such a thrill

“But I won’t simply turn down the thermostat

Just wait til they see their energy bills hit the mat!”


He walked past the house of one Lady Sloane

This was definitely a mansion to well leave alone

You see she’d skimmed from the public purse selling dodgy PPE

“What a result!”, though this other Hunt with unashamed glee.


Next on the list was the Cat in the Hat,

Invented the Inside Your Outside Machine, fancy that?

Sure, an appreciable advance in science and / or tech

“But 230% R&D relief? What the heck!

“The game is up on that” he said with a snort

“They’ll be claiming it for gluten-free menus next”, he thought.


Then to the offices of The Old Once-Ler 

“I can’t believe we still pretend to support this entrepreneur!”

He’d made his money logging Truffalo trees

“But then we excluded him locking down the disease

“I don’t know how he did it, his business is still alive,

“So fie! to nineteen… lets tax him at twenty-five!”


Next was the Lorax, who used to speak for the trees, 

He’d branched out to green energy with the climate on its knees 

“They say that products and services employ a greenwash.

“But I’d rather hit the companies and punters with a taxwash!

“So, let’s see how he likes EV VED and a windfall tax

“Let’s see how you like that, my Extinction Rebellion obsessed Mr Lorax.”


"PoohPooh to the UK!" he was Huntishly humming.

"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!"

"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"

"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,

Then, up and down the UK, they’ll all cry “Why’d we vote for you!"


"That's a noise," grinned Hunt, "That I simply MUST hear!"

But we’ll buy them off with some stories about evil Keir.

And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.

It started in low. Then it started to grow…


But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!

It couldn't be so! 

But it WAS merry! VERY!


He stared down at UK! 

The Chancellor popped his eyes!

Then he shook! 

What he saw was a shocking surprise!


Every Taxpayer in UK, the tall and the small,

Were laughing! Without money, heating or travel at all!

He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming! 

IT CAME!

Somehow or other, it came just the same!


"It came without heating! It came without trains!"

"It came without border force when you get off your planes!"

And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.

Then the Chancellor thought of something he hadn't before!

Maybe Christmas, he thought “doesn’t come from a tax dodging online store”

Maybe Christmas… perhaps… means a little bit more.


It’s Shaking Stevens, its Morecambe and wise

It’s too much to drink and too many mince pies

It’s Julia Donaldson, visiting your Gran

Its deciphering instructions… and World’s Strongest Man


"Maybe Christmas," he thought, perhaps just as a punt,

"is as British tabloid headlines that rhyme with Hunt!"


And what happened then? Well...I’d like to say,

That the Chancellor’s tiny Tory heart 

Grew three sizes that day!

And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,

He whizzed with his sleigh-load in the bright morning light,

He brought back the heating! Pay rises! And he even reduced tax!


And…

… HE HIMSELF

…Thought “to hell if the MARKETS think I’m fiscally lax”.